Humor, ILOOKMARVLUS

Have you heard the legend of the young Moanin Monk, Qwe Chuākāng? Many, many westerners have not.

Recently millions of digitized scrolls were uncovered in China that are bringing his story to light. We endeavor to share with you “The Legend of Qwe Chuāking, Nèijiù Shuòshì*”.

Born to Jewish Missionaries on Kaifeng China in the year 1898, Absalom Chaim was orphaned when his parents were accidentally wokked at a Chinese Take Away during the Boxer Rebellion in 1900. A Blind Moanin Monk, Master Po Thien, a noodle consultant to the original Panda Express, rescued young Absalom and returned with him to the Jha Khee Chan Moanin Temple in Shanghai soon after.

Master Po Thien sought to protect Absalom by adopting him during the annual Shaolin Watermelon Mint Black Ice Tea and Crochet festival. Shortly after the Master gave him the name Qwe Chuāking, in honor of the Swallows that frequented the Moanastary’s Food Court and Massage Chair emporium. Although he was entirely unfamiliar with the Hebrew concept of Teshuva or repentance, it wasn’t long before Master Po Thien recognized Qwe’s natural and innate ability to easily engender debilitating quilt in others. Along with Moanin Master Khan Plain, Master Po Thien started Qwe on a path that would culminate in greatest guilt trip known to man;

The Green Movement.

The relationship between Masters of the Moanastry and Qwe was the stuff of Moanin Legend as evidenced from a Moanastry scree written in 1910.

Master Po Thien: Close your eyes. What do you hear?
Young Qwe: I hear the sigh of the water, I hear the harping of the crows.

Master Po Thien: Do you hear your own guilty conscience?

Young Qwe: No, Master.
Master Po Thien: Dung Beetle, do you see the lamp and the matches ?
Young Qwe: Yes Master, do you wish me to light it?
Master Po Thien: No, I will just sit in the dark.

More than 1,234,567.12 Moanin records were recently handed over to WikiLeeks. These were extensively reviewed and indexed using Giggle Content Search and Alexah AI, well at least 3 have. Our staff has been pouring over these records, using mostly beer to do so, and we’ve finally found a key on the back of a expired box of imported Mangagolian dates that has enabled us to translated the text from the Moanin sect Hakka Pu dialect to modern English.

What follows are a few of the translated Moanin proverbs.

“All can know guilt as guilt only because there is innocence.” – Master Po Thien
“Be nothing, and you will have everything to gain from others.” – Master Po Thien
“Sigh rather than moan. Whine rather than Cry. Look aside rather than glare, for guilt is precious and cannot be replaced.” – Master Kan Plain
“To utter a guilty truth is to give it force beyond endurance.” — Master Kan Plain **
“Yet it is sighs which blind the man.” — Master Po Thien
“When a man can’t see squat, he does no thing.” — Master Po Thien

We’ve learned that after Master Po Thien was murdered by jealous Chinese Court Clerk and Bok Choy Inspector “Khan Tem Preht”, Qwe abandoned the Moanastary on a quest to achieve remorseless guilt and to seek out his mishpokhe vorts! ***.

The records end in 1929 Qwe finally locates his long-lost brother Chuck in the West Hollywood Convent of Guilty Pleasures where he had been imprisoned by the infamous Sisters of Nunjutsu and Penitents of Contrition.

Needless to say, the translation of these ancient tombs is a labor of love. We hope to publish more shortly, perhaps after we sober up. It hurts when we do this, but we do it so you don’t have to.

* Nèijiù Shuòshì translates as “Guilt Master” in English or האשמה הורים in Hebrew.
** Some have suggested that early translations of these proverbs appear to have been given over to Rush Limbuagh, Chris Matthews and Anne Coulter.
*** Loosely translated from Yiddish to Family Roots…